Wednesday, March 10, 2010
past..present..future..
7:34 PM | 
Posted by
Melanie Davis Bolden
My past....I grew up with 2 brothers and a sister. Anyone who has known me for a while knows them... I am 2nd.. The oldest girl. Growing up wasn't easy for me. I talked all the time and couldn't focus on anything for very long. If I would have been born 20 years later I would have almost certainly been given a diagnosis of ADHD. I wasn't the good girl or the best student.. I got bored easily and was head strong which is almost always a gateway for trouble. And I got into alot of it. It wasn't easy for me to get ahold of my life and turn it into what I have now. It was a very hard road but I do not regret it. I think its made me into a better mother, daughter, and friend. It has helped me be able to see what I want and be able to press toward it. I think that when you have that perfect childhood and do not have all the obstacles in your way (even the ones you put there yourself) you believe that everything should come easy and you should not have to work for anything... That might not be the case for everyone, but its true for me... Even though I was hell on wheels growing up, I had one thing going for me. My parents never gave up on me. Through the good and the bad they kept me accountable for my actions while trying to guide me to a better place.. For that I am so lucky and grateful. At any point they could have said enough and just washed their hands, but they didn't. They prayed and hoped and their love never wavered. I know with all my heart that is the reason I am still here today...
My present...
Today as I sit here I am once again in the process of divorce. But this time there is a difference. This time I did it for the right reasons. I chose to put myself and my children first. Ahead of all the reasons why it was ok to settle for something that had me miserable because in my mind I didn't deserve any better. Ahead of all the voices in my head that told me I could not take care of my kids on my own. That I was better off being unhappy, because no one else would ever want me and all the baggage that my life comes with. That I couldn't possibly keep healthy enough long enough to provide for my children. But all those voices are now becoming more silent all the time for the most part. I prove every single day that I am strong enough, good enough, worth enough to fight for my own happiness and that my children will be better for it. Being able to show my children and myself that I can take care of us no matter what happens is making me a better mother. It is helping to restore the confidence that I allowed someone else to take away from me. As women it is easy to believe that we are not pretty enough, skinny enough, or worthy of being loved for who we are inside. Maybe its because of the images we are flooded with in our society. All those perfect women we see on TV and in magazines (who I bet even though to us they look perfect, probably see all the flaws in themselves we see in ourselves) . Maybe not... Regardless of the reason behind it, and no matter what we feel inside, once we make that choice to change our opinions of ourselves and who we feel that we are, we are already half way there. Physical beauty is truly only skin deep. It can not make you happy. It can't make you a better person. It can't give you that inner peace with yourself that will make you content with who you are. So all we can do is work to be the best we can be each day. The best Mother, the best Daughter, the best Friend. Give of ourselves and our time and use that to reflect the true beauty inside. Now it won't fix your inner insecurities instantly. But hopefully each day it will get better. Each day you will be able to see past the outer flaws that we all have and the inner self will shine through and you will start to love yourself for who you are. Love yourself and in turn you will be able to unconditionally love those around you. That is the path to being able to hold in your hands the gift each new day brings. In my present, I am not there yet, but I am closer to it every day and thats all that matters. What matters most is that I CHOOSE to not give up on me...
My Future...
No one knows what the future holds. Having Lupus means that I never know one day to the next if I will have a good day or bad day. But thats ok. You take the good with the bad and build on it. Create your own future by treating each day as a building block to the future you want for you and your family. What would I like to see in my future? Well, thats not as complicated as I used to think. What I want is to be successful in my career. Not to just have a paycheck coming in, but to really make a difference in peoples lives and I am blessed to be in a position to be able to do that. I also want to be a good example for my children. To show them that if you work together and love each other no matter what, you can find your way to your goals. In my future I hope that I can pass on the strength and unconditional love that my parents passed on to me to my children. That money is good and can buy you many things, but that loving and being loved will give you all the most important gifts this world has to offer. I want to be there for my family and to love and support them. My brothers and my sister, my parents, nieces and nephews, and all my extended family. I want to be strong for them and to be someone they can lean on and depend on. To be a good friend and to give back to them all the love and support they have shown me over the years. And to be an example that God wants me to be. If I can accomplish all of this in my future, how fulfilling my life will be!
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