Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Confusion and Control
9:12 PM | 
Posted by
Melanie Davis Bolden
Well, It's me again .. Its been a long time since I have written, but writing calms me.. Helps me sort out whats going on in this crazy head of mine...Everything around me is going crazy and there are days it feels like the world is closing in on me. Like that mime at the park in Maryland I used to take Taylor and Gregory to years ago. Panicked look on his face while he tried to find an opening in the invisible box. I guess at times we are all trapped inside our own invisible boxes. Created from things sometimes in and sometimes out of our control.
I am not sure which invisible box is worse for some people , but for me its the things I can't control. I need to do something, anything to "fix" people , situations, problems, relationships... Thats how I know I am making a difference... By fixing things. Its my self appointed role in life and my comfort zone..
God had other plans for me though.... Total loss of the control I so desperately need to keep my little corner of the world turning correctly. Lupus and Fibromyalgia make it impossible to control my own body alot of the time... Seriously ? Isn't that one thing that I should be able to control ? But no, Not my body.. Should't your hand listen to your brain when you go to grab that plate out of the cabinet? Wrap your fingers around it and bring it to the counter ? Not mine.. Looking down at the floor at the broken glass and feeling the pain as I try to unclench the muscle spasm that caused the me to drop the plate and try not to be angry as I clean up the mess...
God gave me four amazing children. Which in itself is a challenge but throw in Autism, Asperger's and Williams Syndrome and you have total loss of any kind of control. At times total chaos and confusion. Two opposite sides of the spectrum that fit together like oil and water. Hurricane Gregory is moving toward land and will intercept Tornado Gracie in 5, 4, 3, 2, ... Mom!!!! He did it! No... MOM!! Make Her Stop!!! Separate , redirect , ........ Joshua asking, Mom, Is the food supposed to smoke like that? Sigh...We didn't want that for dinner anyway... Somewhere in the midst of all the confusion I am trying to listen to Joshua tell me about his day and give him the attention he needs and show him that just because he isn't autistic he is still just as special to me as his brother and sister....
I have been told alot recently that God will not ever give me more than I can handle. The Bible says so. Why then is it so hard for me to believe it? Who am I ? Really I am no one special. How is it possible that God could have this kind of faith in me ? When I have such little faith in myself to make it through the week sometimes let alone the rest of my life...
But I guess that is a question for another day...For now, I am going to try to start writing again as a way to sort out all the things in my head. Maybe it will help, maybe not.. But we all have to start somewhere ....
