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Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Confusion and Control

9:12 PM | Posted by Melanie Davis Bolden | Edit Post
Well, It's me again .. Its been a long time since I have written, but writing calms me.. Helps me sort out whats going on in this crazy head of mine...

Everything around me is going crazy and there are days it feels like the world is closing in on me. Like that mime at the park in Maryland I used to take Taylor and Gregory to years ago. Panicked look on his face while he tried to find an opening in the invisible box. I guess at times we are all trapped inside our own invisible boxes. Created from things sometimes in and sometimes out of our control.

I am not sure which invisible box is worse for some people , but for me its the things I can't control. I need to do something, anything to "fix" people , situations, problems, relationships... Thats how I know I am making a difference... By fixing things. Its my self appointed role in life and my comfort zone..

God had other plans for me though.... Total loss of the control I so desperately need to keep my little corner of the world turning correctly. Lupus and Fibromyalgia make it impossible to control my own body alot of the time... Seriously ? Isn't that one thing that I should be able to control ? But no, Not my body.. Should't your hand listen to your brain when you go to grab that plate out of the cabinet? Wrap your fingers around it and bring it to the counter ? Not mine.. Looking down at the floor at the broken glass and feeling the pain as I try to unclench the muscle spasm that caused the me to drop the plate and try not to be angry as I clean up the mess...

God gave me four amazing children. Which in itself is a challenge but throw in Autism, Asperger's and Williams Syndrome and you have total loss of any kind of control. At times total chaos and confusion. Two opposite sides of the spectrum that fit together like oil and water. Hurricane Gregory is moving toward land and will intercept Tornado Gracie in 5, 4, 3, 2, ... Mom!!!! He did it! No... MOM!! Make Her Stop!!! Separate , redirect , ........ Joshua asking, Mom, Is the food supposed to smoke like that? Sigh...We didn't want that for dinner anyway... Somewhere in the midst of all the confusion I am trying to listen to Joshua tell me about his day and give him the attention he needs and show him that just because he isn't autistic he is still just as special to me as his brother and sister....

I have been told alot recently that God will not ever give me more than I can handle. The Bible says so. Why then is it so hard for me to believe it? Who am I ? Really I am no one special. How is it possible that God could have this kind of faith in me ? When I have such little faith in myself to make it through the week sometimes let alone the rest of my life...

But I guess that is a question for another day...For now, I am going to try to start writing again as a way to sort out all the things in my head. Maybe it will help, maybe not.. But we all have to start somewhere ....



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Thursday, March 18, 2010

God Chooses A Mom for A Disabled Child by Erma Bombeck

8:06 PM | Posted by Melanie Davis Bolden | Edit Post

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit. This year, nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children. Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen? Somehow I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth; son; patron saint, Matthew.

"Forrest, Marjorie; daughter; patron saint, Cecelia.

"Rudledge, Carrie; twins; patron saint.... give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a handicapped child a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independance. She'll have to teach the child to live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't seperate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, there is a woman I will bless with a child less then perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word.' She will never consider a 'step' ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or a sunset to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations.

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see --- ignorance, cruelty, prejudice --- and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in midair.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."
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Wednesday, March 10, 2010

past..present..future..

7:34 PM | Posted by Melanie Davis Bolden | Edit Post
My past....





I grew up with 2 brothers and a sister. Anyone who has known me for a while knows them... I am 2nd.. The oldest girl. Growing up wasn't easy for me. I talked all the time and couldn't focus on anything for very long. If I would have been born 20 years later I would have almost certainly been given a diagnosis of ADHD. I wasn't the good girl or the best student.. I got bored easily and was head strong which is almost always a gateway for trouble. And I got into alot of it. It wasn't easy for me to get ahold of my life and turn it into what I have now. It was a very hard road but I do not regret it. I think its made me into a better mother, daughter, and friend. It has helped me be able to see what I want and be able to press toward it. I think that when you have that perfect childhood and do not have all the obstacles in your way (even the ones you put there yourself) you believe that everything should come easy and you should not have to work for anything... That might not be the case for everyone, but its true for me... Even though I was hell on wheels growing up, I had one thing going for me. My parents never gave up on me. Through the good and the bad they kept me accountable for my actions while trying to guide me to a better place.. For that I am so lucky and grateful. At any point they could have said enough and just washed their hands, but they didn't. They prayed and hoped and their love never wavered. I know with all my heart that is the reason I am still here today...


My present...

Today as I sit here I am once again in the process of divorce. But this time there is a difference. This time I did it for the right reasons. I chose to put myself and my children first. Ahead of all the reasons why it was ok to settle for something that had me miserable because in my mind I didn't deserve any better. Ahead of all the voices in my head that told me I could not take care of my kids on my own. That I was better off being unhappy, because no one else would ever want me and all the baggage that my life comes with. That I couldn't possibly keep healthy enough long enough to provide for my children. But all those voices are now becoming more silent all the time for the most part. I prove every single day that I am strong enough, good enough, worth enough to fight for my own happiness and that my children will be better for it. Being able to show my children and myself that I can take care of us no matter what happens is making me a better mother. It is helping to restore the confidence that I allowed someone else to take away from me. As women it is easy to believe that we are not pretty enough, skinny enough, or worthy of being loved for who we are inside. Maybe its because of the images we are flooded with in our society. All those perfect women we see on TV and in magazines (who I bet even though to us they look perfect, probably see all the flaws in themselves we see in ourselves) . Maybe not... Regardless of the reason behind it, and no matter what we feel inside, once we make that choice to change our opinions of ourselves and who we feel that we are, we are already half way there. Physical beauty is truly only skin deep. It can not make you happy. It can't make you a better person. It can't give you that inner peace with yourself that will make you content with who you are. So all we can do is work to be the best we can be each day. The best Mother, the best Daughter, the best Friend. Give of ourselves and our time and use that to reflect the true beauty inside. Now it won't fix your inner insecurities instantly. But hopefully each day it will get better. Each day you will be able to see past the outer flaws that we all have and the inner self will shine through and you will start to love yourself for who you are. Love yourself and in turn you will be able to unconditionally love those around you. That is the path to being able to hold in your hands the gift each new day brings. In my present, I am not there yet, but I am closer to it every day and thats all that matters. What matters most is that I CHOOSE to not give up on me...

My Future...

No one knows what the future holds. Having Lupus means that I never know one day to the next if I will have a good day or bad day. But thats ok. You take the good with the bad and build on it. Create your own future by treating each day as a building block to the future you want for you and your family. What would I like to see in my future? Well, thats not as complicated as I used to think. What I want is to be successful in my career. Not to just have a paycheck coming in, but to really make a difference in peoples lives and I am blessed to be in a position to be able to do that. I also want to be a good example for my children. To show them that if you work together and love each other no matter what, you can find your way to your goals. In my future I hope that I can pass on the strength and unconditional love that my parents passed on to me to my children. That money is good and can buy you many things, but that loving and being loved will give you all the most important gifts this world has to offer. I want to be there for my family and to love and support them. My brothers and my sister, my parents, nieces and nephews, and all my extended family. I want to be strong for them and to be someone they can lean on and depend on. To be a good friend and to give back to them all the love and support they have shown me over the years. And to be an example that God wants me to be. If I can accomplish all of this in my future, how fulfilling my life will be!
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Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Blessings...

8:58 PM | Posted by Melanie Davis Bolden | Edit Post
Tuesdays at my house is family night. Each Tuesday night, one of my kids gets to choose where we are going to go out to eat and what we are going to do. Gregory is predictable... He either chooses the mall or Subway. Joshua always chooses places like Olive Garden, Ta'Molly's, or Chili's. Maddie Grace makes me drive around til she sees somewhere "pretty" she wants to check out. Taylor chooses somewhere simple like Mc'ds or Taco Bell. Tonight my kids surprised me. When I picked them up from the Y, Greg said that I looked tired and if I needed to we could wait til next week. Maddie said that we could order pizza and go home and eat together. It amazes me that my kids are so caring and understanding that sometimes I just need to rest after a long day at work.

Sometimes its the small things that our children do that make the biggest impact on us. Being thoughtful and putting someone else ahead of what they would really rather do. Also the way they have been so supportive and loving during the transition we are going through here. I know that it must be tough on them but they are not showing it. We are pulling together as a family and its making us stronger. Until you finally say enough and make that move forward, you don't realize that even though you have worked so hard to make your kids believe that everything is fine, they know the truth. They sense the stress and even if they don't hear the fighting that happens in a bad marriage they know its there . They give me the strength to keep moving forward each day. Its such a blessing and a strength to me each day and I am truly thankful for them...

We live in a world where we are so focused on the prizes and goals that if we are not careful we can miss all the little blessings we have along the way...A happy smile from a child who aced a spelling test.. A child asking for just one more hug and kiss Mommy.. Maturity and responsibility in a teenage child who helps out without being asked..The smell of your child after a bath when they curl up in your lap before they drift off to sleep.. A fresh cup of coffee before anyone else gets up in the morning...Being able to watch your children sleep when you go to tuck them in before you go to bed..

Its so easy to be focused on getting things cleaned up and the laundry done that you don't have time to curl up with that child.. Being too busy trying to get the kids in bed for the night so you can relax that you miss out on the tickles and hugs and precious moments that can give you such peace... Expecting so much from the oldest child that you don't stop and realize how amazing she is to do so much for her family... Being tired after a long day and getting annoyed when your child wants just one more story.. We are so rushed and time constrained that its easy to overlook what could possibly be the best part of our day... But then we miss out without even realizing what we are loosing... Time.. Precious time that we can never get back.. Unless we learn to rethink, retrain our minds to seek out what really matters in life.. Not the money or the things, the "me" time or rushing around... Life passes us by so fast and by the time we are ready to slow down, they are gone.. Busy with their own lives and we are left with regret of days gone by and time we have missed out on.. But it doesn't have to be that way! We can choose each day which path we are going to take! Choose who we want to be.. That in itself is a blessing!

If you don't do anything else today, stop for just a moment out of your busy schedule each day and try to think of 3 small blessings that happened to you. It might not be that promotion you are working toward, or that peace and quiet you seek, but it can move you in ways you never dreamed and these little blessings can change your life for the better...
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Melanie's Day By Day: Starting Over

8:57 AM | Posted by Melanie Davis Bolden | Edit Post
Melanie's Day By Day: Starting Over
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Starting Over

7:58 AM | Posted by Melanie Davis Bolden | Edit Post


Today I have decided to start up my Blog again.. At this point in my life I am starting over in alot of ways, not just this Blog.

I am now a single mother... That to me sounds strange to my own ears. After being someones someone for pretty much the last 18 years of my life, I am now just me... No one's girlfriend or wife. I can go when I choose and not have to stop and check in or ask for permission... I can finally breathe again...

I have also started over with my change in career's. I am now the CRT Coordinator for Home Instead in Jonesboro. Working full time is something I have not done in a while and though I am tired alot of the time and the stress levels have gone up, I do not remember a time when I have been happier. Knowing that I have a job where I can make a difference and where I am respected gives me a feeling of fulfillment and peace that I have not had in such a long time...

One thing that hasn't changed is my being a mother. I am so blessed to have my kids. Without them I do not think I would be able to keep myself together as well as I do. Because of them I have to. I have to get up each morning and start the day. I have to keep myself working so that they will have a stable life. Even when I am tired and worn down I have to keep positive and keep going because they look to me to show them that everything is going to be OK...



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Friday, July 3, 2009

My Kids-Taylor

7:04 AM | Posted by Melanie Davis Bolden | Edit Post




I was 18 when I got married the 1st time in August of 1991. Two months later I got the most amazing news in my life. I was going to be a mother.

Few things in life ever come close to this news for most women. For me, being pregnant was magical. It is an experience that you will never forget. God has blessed women by allowing us to be the ones to carry our precious children and bring them into the world. Yes there is pain at the end, but one look at that amazing little life and you forget it..

The first thing that made me suspect I was pregnant was at 5 weeks. We were stationed in Oklahoma and I got in the shower one morning and the water spray felt like knives! Ladies, you know what I mean. I remember being in a hurry and just letting it go. When it happened again the next day, I started counting back. I went to the store and got a test and there was the prettiest + sign I have ever seen..

A couple days later I went to the military clinic and it was official. I remember calling my mom and she was so excited! Chris was at some training exercise (this would become the norm). Mom was sure from the beginning that the baby would be a girl. She sent me a beautiful pink baby dress.

December 27th, 1991 I started throwing up. That would be the beginning of almost 7 full months of morning sickness. Strange that they call it Morning Sickness when it happens 24/7. Over the course of my pregnancy with Taylor I lost 28 pounds. Other than getting sick 4-5 times a day, everything else with that pregnancy was picture perfect. No medical issues of any kind related to the pregnancy and even very little swelling! Chris was in the Army and he got orders to go to Germany when I was about 5 months along so I moved in with Mom and Dad til after the baby was born.

Taylor was due on August 11th but because the nausea was getting worse every day and I got to where I couldn't hold anything down they decided to induce me on July 21st. Mom was there with me through the whole thing. Induction started about 5am and they broke my water at 6am the next day. Finally at 2:28pm on July 22, 1992 she was out. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I can still close my eyes and see that moment in my mind. Every detail about her. How tiny she was . How perfect her little mouth looked. Counting all of those sweet fingers and toes. The red tint to her hair. I was 19 years old and I had a baby that was all mine. This little person who depended on me for every single thing. It was scary and magical and wonderful.


That day was almost 17 years ago. So many things have happened in that amount of time. From her first time nursing , her first steps, the first day of school down through time to her first love and her prom. When I look at her sometimes I can't believe what an amazing woman she is turning into. Goodness knows I have not been the perfect parent over the years but pride still fills my heart that I must have done something right. Shes so smart and beautiful. Talented and mature. Shes so grounded , more so than alot of her friends and she knows just who she is.

So soon that tiny baby will be moving out to start her adult life. It seems so sudden that she could possibly be old enough to be at her last year of school. Wasn't it just yesterday that I put her on the bus for the first time ? That her childhood is coming to a close causes my heart to ache, but at the same time I am looking forward to being there for her like my mother was for me. Through her first pregnancy one day when she will hold her own tiny miracle in her arms, a day she will never forget no matter how time passes by.....
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